Sunday, November 16, 2014
First of all, thanks for dropping by. And more thanks for sharing your thoughts. You know, my foremost reason for blogging my stories is to find "comrades-in-arms", people who are in the same situation like me.
Kasi di ba, maski paano, you find peace and comfort knowing that there are people out there who share the same story and most of all the same worries. Especially someone like me, who is not out. Telling my stories and reading those comments and advices somehow lighten my load.
Marami na akong naging relasyon before and after Aris. Seryoso o panangdaliang realsyon sa iba't ibang lalaki. But my relationship with Aris was something special - bata pa ako noon e, nalulungkot, masama ang loob sa mundo, naghahanap ng kakampi. Tapos nakita ko siya, aaminin ko, noong una, physical yung attraction ko sa kanya e - gwapo naman kasi siya talaga - pero lalo akong napalapit sa kanya ng malaman kong pareho lang pala kaming maraming insecurities sa katawan. That binded us together.
Aris and I lasted for ten years. But even before we became "US" it was very clear from the start that he will marry. It never became an issue between us or even with his immediate family who knew about our relationship. Ang daming beses nga within those ten years na nanligaw ako for him, kasi nga he is a disabled person and having been rejected because of that, nahihiya siyang mag-approach.
So with that as a background, pwede ng mag-conclude that I am already toughened and mentally-prepared pag nag-asawa na si Aris. Pero you cannot be prepared for that pala. I mean how do you prepare yourself getting hit by an train? Pano ba, pasagasa ka muna sa biseklata tapos motorsiklo tapos kotse tapos truck tapos pag na-immune ka sa pain tsaka ka pasasagasa sa train?
But everytime you get hit, you experience a different kind of pain so much so that when the most painful of the pains finally hit you, wala ng sakit pero you become numb and resentful, mawawala na yung paniniwala mo sa love. That kind of pain, I hope I will never feel again.
Having that as a backgrounder, gusto ko lang ibigay ang opinyon ko sa pinamahalagang bahagi ng sulat mo:
I'm 29 now at nagsasabi ako sa kanya na I want to have my own children at family. pumayag sya kaso nasasaktan at natatakot ako sa nararamdaman nya. 12 years is not that easy to let go lalo na mahal na mahal ko sya.
Hindi ko alam kung bakit kayo nagtagal ng 12 years but frankly speaking I don't think love is the reason. Madali lang magkaroon ng anak kung anak lang ang gusto mo e tsaka sabi mo naman you don't care if your family finds out about your relationship with him pero yung naisip mong iwan siya dahil gusto mo na ng ibang mundo, ibig sabihin hindi ganap yung pagmamahal mo sa kanya.
Aris and I lasted for ten years - on our eight year, naging complacent na nga ako, ako na nga yung nawawala sa buhay niya because I became busy and there he was, always looking for me. As our relationship went farther, I began entertaining the thought that there is a chance that "US" can be forever. But on our ninth year, I felt that it was wishful thinking. And on our tenth year, altho I knew from day one what he wanted, nasaktan pa rin ako.
Twelve years together and you still felt that need to have another life ibig sabihin you felt an emptiness that your relationship cannot fill. May kulang. Pag nagmamahal ka, hindi ka makukulangan e. Di ba ganun yun?
So can you imagine what is going through his mind now?
Syempre sasabihin mong mali ako and I will not fault you for that but I am just curious - sabi mo pumayag siya sa gusto mo, meron ba siyang choice? Kung sinabi ba niyang ayaw niya, susunod ka ba sa gusto niya?
Hindi ko sasabihin sa iyong wag kang magpamilya. Ang i-advise ko lang sa iyo, think clearly and know what it is that you really want. You need to do that hindi lang para sa iyo o para sa iyong BF kundi na rin sa babaing magiging partner mo. It will not do you any good to go into a relationship half-heartedly. Sa kangkungan lang kayo mapupunta niyan.
Kung magpapamilya ka tapos may kasunduan kayong magkikita pa rin paminsan-minsan, wag mong gagawin yun. You cannot serve two masters, mahuhuli ka rin. Kung magkahulihan na and believe me magkakahulihan, marami na masyado ang masasaktan, ayaw mo naman sigurong mangyari yun.
Sorry if my reply is not as sane as you hoped it should. I am insanely sad as of the moment and I don't know when I'd get over it or if I'll get over it.