Friday, October 10, 2014
For what is there to write about my Nanay.
she's always the first person I see when I wake up in the morning;
she'd knock on my door every day and I pretend not too be happy to be woken that early even if I've been awake for almost an hour and I'd be in my bed waiting for her to knock and I'll open the door and she smiles apologetically when I feign a frown;
she'll hug me then order me out the of my room then she'll march after me to the kitchen, making sure I eat breakfast then go back to my room and prepare my things
So what's great about that, its what all mothers do. So I never wrote about her.
She says I am the best. She says she loves me very much for no reasons. She says I can always count on her. But those are generic lines being mouthed by mothers all around, so I never wrote about her.
She knows when I am down - whether physically or mentally. And when I'm down, an overdose of steaming sinigang or a warm embrace or a pat in my head is ever ready to lift me up. But I thought all mothers do that, so I never wrote about her.
But today, Mom asked me to bring her to our Doctor. I tensed. Nanay never liked hospitals. She doesn't like needles, she doesn't like the smell of ammonia, she doesn't like seeing those people in white. Not feeling well she replied but not to worry must be just an arthritis attack.
We left our house and in the hospital, she put her hand in my left arm while we walk towards our family doctor's clinic. Don't be mad, she said. I've been bleeding since Monday.
I looked at her, she must have seen the sadness in my eyes. Don't worry, I'm OK, she tried to sound reassuring but it made me more anxious. Nanay always knew when I am feeling bad, why did I not see a sign. That made me sad than worried.
But I'm in good hand she assured me as he held my left arm tightly. Am I that good hand, I teased her.
Forgive your Tatay Francis, he is just as confused as you are. I kissed her and say I was not even thinking of Tatay. And that was the truth.
Then Doctor said Nanay needs to be confined. They need to know what's causing her to bleed internally.
I started to shake. I'll call Bunso I said then hurriedly left the clinic. Tears started falling from my eyes as I locked myself inside the comfort room.
She was the heart of the family, the glue that held us all together. My Nanay, who loves me unconditionally, who makes me smile, who taught me to love instead of hating, I could lose her. It hurts losing my father just as we were about to heal but I don't know how will it be without my Nanay. I thought about not seeing her smile, I thought about not hearing her voice or not feeling her warm embrace.
I washed the tears away from my eyes and rushed to her side. Sorry, naiyak ako. I cannot lie to her about that. She hated it when I try to stifle my tears.
What is there to worry about, she said calmly. I have the best man besides me. I smiled at her.
Dear Nanay, I never wrote about you because I can only write about things that make me sad, angry, bad, worried or things that I can only dream of.
But today you made me sad and worried. Get well Nanay, this is not yet the time to say goodbye.