Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Hello, my name is Francisco

My name is Francisco, am Francis/Frisco to all my relatives, Kris to my friends and George to my maternal grandpa.
Gaston is the name of my younger brother. 

One time, I met a friend of my father who mistook me for my brother. So when this friend and my father saw each other, he told him about that encounter. My father face literally lit up. My brother was studying in PMMA then (am not sure if you're familiar with the school) and he being enrolled there was a source of pride and joy for my father. 

It was only then that I realized how unhappy my father was with me. I felt crushed. It was something that I did not understand and cannot cope with. So I became Gaston, first to his friends then to new acquaintances. Gaston and I are almost identical so pwede. I tried to be invisible as much as possible. Inaral ko nga pati pananamit nung brother ko, ha ha ha. 

My brother, bless him did not rat on me when he caught my lie. My brother and I were very close and he understood the need for that lie.

Until my father caught the lie. Yaiks, ang takot ko. I was already in my late twenties when he found out. My brother was a seaman and my father was very surprised when another friend of his told him about meeting Gaston. Nasa barko kasi si brother. 

"Oh nagsasalamin na pala yung anak mo. Lahi niyo talaga ha" said that friend to my father kaya the lie was uncovered.

He was on the phone, I cannot detect any emotions, he just said try to be home early because we need to talk. Lalo akong natakot. Di ba sabi nila, silent water runs deep. Yan ang Tatay ko, swerte na yung makarinig ka ng isang sentence. Usually hanggang two to three phrases lang ang quota niya sa isang araw, pag kaming dalawa nga magkasama, ha, ha, silent movie, no talkies. Kaya kabadong-kabado ako pag-uwi ko. Isang beses pa lang akong napalo ni Tatay, eto na kaya yung second time?

I was cowering when he came out of his room. 

"E sorry na, kasi naman, hindi ka naman proud sa akin e. Wag ka ng magalit, please." 

"Your name is Francis, remember that always. Hindi kita kinahihiya. You're my son. Hindi ko lang alam kung pano kita mamahalin." then he turned around and went back to his room. Just like that. Ni hindi ako nabigyan ng moment para mag-sink yung sinabi niya.

Pangalan pa lang complicated na. Hahahaha, if there is one thing that I learned from this episode is that ang HIRAP PA LANG TUMAWA PAG NASASAKTAN KA.

Hi Kris,

Pangalan pa lang may story na. It shows how your life seems to be very colorful (and painful too!) I just can't understand why your father could not love you. Oo nga, hindi ka niya kinahihiya pero hindi ka rin niya pinagmamalaki. In my sermons and counseling, I always emphasize that everyone deserves to be happy no matter who they are and what they become. I really like what you've written sa Dance with my Father. I can sense the longing and the wound that pierced your being. Oo nga ano, sorry lang ba ang katapat ng lahat? Bakit hindi niya masabing mahal ka niya? Sorry, but there's so much biases and coldness in this world. Even sa story mo about your Tito Boy and how your father reacted to the situation, parang ramdam ko ang sakit. Magaling ka nga rin magsulat siguro but the fact remains that you didn't deserve to be treated like that. Anyway, what draw me to your blog are the stories you shared - may halong libog pero may puso and It is what endeared you to your readers.

My father is the black sheep of the family and he had many faults but he was a loving father to me when I was growing up. He was strict with my brothers and sisters especially to my older brothers pero sa akin, mapagmahal siya dahil ako ay bunso. But I'm more of a Mama's boy rather than a Papa's boy. Minsan niya lang ako napalo noong nawala ko ang piso na pambili ko ng "tuba" niya. Hindi ko siya inimikan for a week and he did everything para mawala ang tampo ko sa kanya. That is how I remember him. My heart goes out with you everytime I read something about your father. Anyway, ipagdasal na lamang natin siya and hope more fathers becomes open-minded (remember Kevin Balot's father?)  You just have to let go of the hurts your experiences with your father caused you and I pray that you and he will be peaceful ultimately. May be that's the real meaning of Honoring our Father and Mother.  We also have to accept them with all their failures and sins for in understanding them we honor them in spite of their unworthiness..

Thanks again Kris,  for sharing!

My reply:

Hi, but I should be the one thanking you. Your words inspires and uplift.  

Forgive me for making this public but I think there are more wounded souls out there who should read this.

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