Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Dear AJ



Dear AJ and to the others who wrote/commented on my blog:

Mahilig ako sa sariling sikap. Mas masarap e, kasi you are in control of the situation. Yung orgasm kasing nakukuha sa pagpapaligaya sa sarili ay kakaiba kaya naisip kong gumawa ng sarili kong blog.


Noong una, quickie lang ang mga ginawa ko. Yung tipong isa, dalawa, tatlo, nilabasan ka na ba? Pero isang araw, senti mode ako nun, naisipan kong mamasyal sa Intramuros. Pag nanaig na ang sobrang kalungkutan sa aking pagkatao ay iisang lugar ang pinapasyalan ko, Intramuros. Intramuros is my happy thought, my happy place - doon ko naintidihang pwede pa lang lumampas sa sex ang M2m, na pwede ka palang magmahal at mahalin. Kaya naisip ko, why not write about the men I love/d - Si Aris - my first lovesi Ed - ang nadedmang pag-ibig, si Sir - ang sandalan ko noong ako ay nasa high school at si Vener.

Hindi ko sana isusulat ang pagpapakasal ni Vener. Dalawang buwan matapos siyang ikasal ay in denial pa rin ako na hindi na siya 100% akin. Noong una pa man ay alam ko namang malabong mangyari na habang panahong magiging kami ni Vener o ni Aris. Alam kong darating ang panahong mag-aasawa din sila. Tanggap ko na yun. Or so I thought.

Masakit pa rin pala. Grabeng mas sakit. Sampung taon kami ni Aris, alam ko mula simula pa lamang ng aming relasyon na mag-aasawa siya. Pero nasaktan pa rin ako nung ikasal siya. Pero who can resist love if it is there for the taking. Kung baga, palay na yung lumalapit. Tsaka akala ko, immuned na ko sa pain. Kaya ng makilala ko si Vener, I gambled and grabbed the chance.

Sabi nung kaibigan ko yung ginawa ko ay parang nag-dare akong tumalon sa swimming pool knowing na hindi naman ako lumangoy. Pero kung lagi na lang akong nasa safe mode sa lahat ng pagkakataon, ano pa ang kwenta ng buhay. Kaya sumugal akong lumangoy papunta kay Vener hoping that there is a lifeline that will help me keep afloat.

Nang sinulat ko ang kwento ng una naming pagkikita ni Vener ay inilagay kong introduction ang kantang ito:

Perhaps I had a wicked childhood
Perhaps I had a miserable youth
But somewhere in my wicked, miserable past
There must have been a moment of truth

For here you are, standing there, loving me
Whether or not you should
So somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good.

The sad part about my childhood is that it started well - I was loved, I was pampered. I was my father's pride and joy, the center of his universe, the apple of his eyes. Then one day, without a warning, everything changed. I think I was four when it happened. I can read and write before I entered school so I believed that I was intelligent enough to understand. If my father told me what was wrong, I would happily change so I can be the apple of his eyes again. But he never said anything, he became distant and cold.

I grew up lonely. Hanggang ngayon,  am not at ease being in a crowd. Mas magaan ang pakiramdam ko kung ako ay nag-iisa. Pag may pumuri sa akin, ninenerbyos ako, iniisip ko may hidden agenda kaya ako napansin. Pag binalikan ko yung nakaraan ko, mas maraming iyakan blues kaysa happy moments. Madalas akong mapalo ni Nanay noon, kasi ayoko ng magsimba. Dasal ng dasal, katwiran ko, wala namang nangyayari.

Pero dumating sa buhay ko si Vener, I knew right there and then,  mahal ako ng Diyos. Binigyan niya ako ng taong magmamahal sa aking ng walang kondisyon. Nagbago man ang sitwasyon, alam kong hindi ibibigay sa akin ng Diyos si Vener para lang ako ay paiyakin forever. Yan ang lifeline na aking pinanghahawakan ngayon.

So what do you do when the one who broke your heart is the only one who can fix it? Wala akong maisasagot sa tanong na yan. Hindi na madalas ang aming pagkikita, choice ko na yun. Hangga't maari, iniiwasan ko na ring makipag-sex sa kanya. Tsaka inaaral ko na ring maglagay ng kurbata. Hindi ko bibigyan ng pagkakataong magkaroon ng sekantot yung asawa niya. Tiis-tiis din pag may time, ganun naman dapat kung nagmamahal ka di ba?

Tsaka ano pa ba naman ang karapatan kong magreklamo kung sa umaga ay ito ang gigising sa akin:





Sabi ng kaibigan ko, pampalubag loob. Well, pampalubag loob o hindi, at least gumagawa siya ng paraan para maibsan ang aking kalungkutan. And that for me, is enough already.

(Binalik ko yung original post. Naisip ko baka hilahin ng Tatay ko yung paa ko pero we made peace naman so I think he'll understand)















11 comments:

  1. Siguro nga mahal ka talaga ni Vener. May mga bagay lang na he chose to have. And it is also your choice to have him still in your life, Why can't you remain his friend? Mahirap ba dahil mahal na mahal mo pa rin siya? Is it your choice to remain alone again? Are you going to search for another one ? May darating pa kaya? Wala lang, nagtatanong lang, hehehe...Here's hoping for your happiness !

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dahil masakit. If you've been there, masakit makita na may kasama syang iba. As time goes on and it will, posible na ulet ang pagiging friend but as long as may kirot, iwas iwas muna.

      Delete
    2. Essentially, humans are selfish by nature. Madalas, kung ano sa tingin nila ang sa kanila, pinaglalaban nila. But here's the rub, I admire the writer's selflessness kasi it goes directly against his human nature. Kung baga, nilampasan niya ang basic trait - the need to own. He transcended his basic nature with a great cost.

      Sabi nga sa Once Upon a Time, "all magic comes with a price". In this case, Vener's magical time has a price, too. And its terrible price is something Manong is struggling to pay.

      So in the end, no, I don't think he can be friends with Vener anymore. In the very least, learning to tie his own necktie will change him... for better or worse, that's for him to know and perhaps us for us to only guess.

      Delete
  2. Hi kuya, wala po ba continuation ang one true love? bitin po kasi. kudos po! :))

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nakiusap si Aris noon na kung maari ay huwag ko ng ipagpatuloy ang pagsasapubliko ng aming kwento. Bilang paggalang, ay pinagbigyan ko ang kanyang kagustuhan.

      Delete
    2. Kaya pala hanap ako ng hanap ng karugtong, wala na pala, But in the story, it seems that Aris has become the person who is not worthy to be loved and has an attitude also. May be you can just end the story by letting us know, your readers if he had reciprocated your feelings or not. May be in one or two sentences you can finally close that chapter of your first love. You don't have to give the details (although we want to hear it because you write well) but in a summary form perhaps. Sa isip ko kase, si Aris ay isang taong binigyan mo na nga ng pagmamahal in spite of his condition ay may pagmamalaki pang saktan ka. How selfish one can get!

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    3. ganun po kuya? naaaaa :((( T.T bitin kasi ng storya. huhuhu.

      P.S. baka pwede nyo po siya ulit pakiusapan. masyado kasing hanging.
      P.P.S. Ang galing nyo po. Kudos.

      Delete
  3. Sampung taon ding naging si Aris at Kris. Mula 1987 hanggang 1997. Nagsimula sa Intramuros, natapos sa kanto ng Ayala at Herrera.

    Kung hindi pa, pumunta ka Kris.

    SIRgent

    ReplyDelete
  4. 09268818997

    txm8 tau

    ReplyDelete
  5. 09103186130 ust dapitan

    ReplyDelete